Recognizing the Signs of True Love

Love. Amour. Amore. In popular fiction, the signs of true love tend toward the melodramatic: heart palpitations, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, blowing curtains, fireworks. If you feel these things, however, you're not so much in love as in lust. So lust aside, here's a sampling of the undeniable signs of true love — and good (emotional) health.

You're willing to explain why you don't want to date others
With all the nasty little diseases around, the idea of sleeping around is a lot less attractive than it used to be. The issue isn't a willingness to be exclusive. It's a willingness to talk about and explain being exclusive.

A surprisingly large number of men and women are surreptitiously monogamous, feeling that their willingness to forgo all others gives power to the partner. But when you're willing to admit that you're willing to share the power and admit your vulnerability (I really like you and hope you like me as much), not only are you in love, but you sound like a rational, fairly adult soul in the bargain.

You're willing to ditch the little black book
"I've burned my little black book!" This is a statement of not only exclusivity but plans for exclusivity, essentially saying that no one of your acquaintance holds a candle to your beloved. Your willingness to get rid of the book gives proof of that reality. Getting rid of the black book also says that you're unwilling to revisit past loves and that, in this relationship, there is no going back; you can only go forward.

No fair throwing the book into the fire but keeping the database on your trusty laptop. A commitment is a commitment, and this is as much about self as other. If you pretend to throw away your black book, then you're also pretending that you're committed.

Grow up: If you're old enough to be taken seriously by someone you like, you're old enough to take yourself seriously. Committed adult relationships don't have room for manipulative games.

You're willing to go somewhere you hate
The willingness to go someplace you actually hate with someone you actually love — and not be a pain in the neck about it — is one of the hallmarks of love.

When you first start to date, you're tempted to do whatever it takes to get the date off the ground because you're blinded by the possibilities. During the next phase of dating, you stand up for yourself and don't do the activity you hate.

This is a necessary evolution because if there is to be true love, it has to be based on who you are, not who you think your beginning-to-be-significant other will like. But once you actually get to love, your need to constantly assert yourself is softened by your beloved's influence and the sense that you can give because your love will reciprocate your generosity.

You don't need to keep track on a day-to-day basis to make sure everything is 50-50. But the sense that there is fairness and equality and appreciation and respect means that your reluctance to do something you're not crazy about gets overwhelmed by your desire to do something with the person you love. In other words, the person becomes more important than the event.

You're willing to save if you're a spend-thrift and spend if you're frugal
The point isn't really about money at all, but a willingness to examine fundamental beliefs as a direct result of valuing another person and his or her perspective and opinion. (Yeah, the same phenomenon can happen with friends, but because friends generally tolerate and celebrate differences, there's less motive or incentive for change.)

Any good relationship changes us. If being around your beloved makes you examine or change some fundamental part of yourself, it may not be love in and of itself, but it does indicate respect, a willingness to learn from another, and a relationship in which you feel safe enough to try something foreign and scary.

Forget about flattery or hypocrisy. Rather, you have the courage, strength, and energy to examine and experiment with a fundamental belief system, be it religion, politics, gun control, abortion, Chinese food, travel, having children, gardening, money, or any other position you used to consider inviolate.

(Money? you say. Yep. It's hard to think of any one commodity that is more basic than money. If you think money is just green stuff that just sits there, you're wrong; it can represent power, lifestyle, control, options, freedom, interaction, and a whole lot more.)

The idea of doing nothing together sounds terrific
In the early stages of dating, there is a hunger to discover who the other person is, but this time also feels scary because he or she may not be what you thought or — even worse — you may not be what they're looking for.

Even though the stakes aren't very high at the beginning, you might feel that they are, so you play at dating, and one of the easiest ways to play is to do something at all times — either publicly or privately. The dating ritual is about finding places to go and things to do.

Once a couple is sexual, the thing to do is sexual, and everything else seems just a holding action until the couple can hit the sheets. Then when the initial flurry of sexual activity is over, there is a tendency to want to show each other off because you're feeling connected and proud.

When the idea of doing nothing together is the coolest thing either of you can come up with, you're very likely in love, because you've gone through the other stages of terror, sex, and showing off.

Now, the relationship is just about the two of you, not to the exclusion of everyone or anything else. In fact, your "normal" life has expanded to include each other, but the idea of simply being together is the most wonderful thing either of you can figure out to do — even out of bed.

You're willing to risk being yourself
Being yourself is really the big enchilada. Everything else on the How-You-Know-You're-in-Love list hints at being yourself, but when you truly love someone, you want them to know who you are and love you for all that you are, not just for who you pretend to be. When you're in a truly loving relationship, you can be honest and direct and take chances.

The tricky part of being in love is that it can encourage you to be yourself but ups the ante that you might make someone whom you really want to stay change their mind and leave if you show the real you. You want your beloved to be happy now and forever, and the only way to do that is to be who you really are.

It's almost impossible to sustain an illusion over time, and because you are now truly in love, you wouldn't want to hurt your beloved by living a lie. But you also need to be a bit careful of what you confess. Remember that between honesty and duplicity is silence. If you're old enough to be in love, you're old enough to understand the occasional use of silence.


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Rekindling Romance with Communication

One of the most widespread forms of miscommunication between men and women stems from the fact that too many people, especially men, equate sex with romance. They believe that if their sex life is adequate, then there's no need for anything beyond this one arena. Tied to this is the notion that romantic activity outside the bedroom is automatically a lead-in to sexual activity.

And by the way, this is a double-edged sword. Many people think of kissing and hugging as preludes to sex. As a result, when they aren't in the mood, they don't want to snuggle because they assume that it will lead to sex.

This can be true of both partners in a relationship where a pattern has been established that kissing and hugging lead to sex. So the first batch of people may avoid physical contact if it's not attached to sex, and the second group may avoid physical contact because they fear that it will lead to sex at the wrong time.

Either way, the partner who is looking for some physical contact that is not sex-related gets left hugging her knees.

Communication is vital in this arena. The partner who wants romantic touching has to explain that she would like some more physical contact that is not linked to sex. She has to explain to her partner that just the way a car needs oil to keep the engine running smoothly, she needs some hugs, kisses, and hand-holding in order to keep her spirits going.

The onus isn't all on men, however. Some women crave romance but purposefully shut down their libidos once they get their fix because they're a bit busy or preoccupied. They are satisfied by the hugs and kisses, but they don't consider what will satisfy their partners.

Although romantic interludes don't have to lead to sex, if they're heading in that direction, veering off the path every time is not a fair way to treat a man. If women allow themselves to become more aroused, they usually do enjoy having sex and have orgasms.

But sometimes they stuff themselves on the appetizer and then don't feel they have room for the main meal. Their partners, who require more sustenance, are left feeling frustrated. If this scenario occurs too often, then clearly the relationship can suffer.

Decoding confusing signals 

Another cause of confusion occurs when couples try to communicate with each other about which signs of physical affection will lead to sex and which won't. Two key facts need to be remembered: Men get aroused easily, and women can change their minds.

Even though a man may get aroused by some hugging and kissing and even have an erection, this doesn't mean that he'll start writhing on the ground or baying at the moon if he doesn't have sex. Men, particularly young men, get erections all day long and all night long as well (usually every 90 minutes during REM sleep).

After a few moments, these erections grab a cab and head downtown of their own accord, providing that the man isn't getting further stimulation. If he is being constantly stimulated, then his arousal will reach a point where it is difficult for him to just say no.

But the stimulation from a one-minute hug, providing that he and his partner are not in the nude and she keeps her hands above the belt, doesn't mean that the next step has to be a sexual encounter.

And a woman who was just looking for a hug may suddenly find that she is interested in sex, even though that was not on her mind beforehand. Women always claim the right to change their minds, and sometimes they're just too busy to realize that they were somewhat aroused.

When they take a breather in the arms of their man, they relax a bit and suddenly realize that there was more to their desire for a hug than just romance.

You may think that two people who are part of a long-standing couple should know enough about each other to be able to judge when they are going to have sex and when they're not, yet they often act like a couple on their first date — he's on first base wondering if he'll get to second.

What's the answer? Improved communication. You have to be able to share your sensitivities with your partner without hurting his or her feelings.

If a woman notices that her partner has an erection, she has to be able to tell him that she's not in the mood without him getting upset. And if she decides that she is in the mood and they do have sex, the next time they hug, he can't assume that it's going to happen again.

It's very easy for there to be crossed wires in this back-and-forth exchange, particularly if both people change their minds faster than an operator can plug in the connection.

Avoid setting fixed patterns. Each party needs to show flexibility. That means if sometimes she asks for a hug without thinking about sex, she will let herself be brought over to the bed and try to enjoy it. At other times, even if a particular kiss drags on a bit longer than usual, she can go off to finish the paper without feeling guilty and without him donning his hangdog face.

It also means that she should initiate sex from time to time, and he should initiate hugs. Good communication means a back-and-forth interaction. It means surprise. It means that your minds are engaged and that you're not acting out the same script over and over.

Improving conversational content

This seems like the appropriate place to delve into the content of your communications. If all you do is talk about such superficial matters as the weather, the children's science fair project, and what to defrost for dinner, then your relationship is going to be rather superficial as well.

That's not to say that you shouldn't talk about mundane subjects. A life is a bit like a business, and you need to deal with managerial matters. But conversations you have with your coworkers aren't likely to lead to sex.

You can spend hours at the water cooler bantering about sports, politics, and office gossip without ever probing any depths. If your conversations with your significant other are equally superficial, then what does that say about the state of your relationship?

Admittedly, some people who have partners still pour their hearts out to their coworkers.

Sometimes they've found someone who is simpatico and doesn't mind being a good listener. Or they've found a busybody who likes peering into other people's private lives. And sometimes the other person is bored to tears. But if the talker is baring his or her soul at the office and clams up at home, that's not a good omen.

Meaningful communications don't have to only be about personal crises. Endless talk of problems will turn off a partner, no matter how sympathetic he or she is. Rather, what is "meaningful" is what stimulates the intellect. For example, say you watch the news and the Supreme Court has ruled for or against some case.

Talking about the pros and cons of that decision should be equally interesting to both parties. You shouldn't be so polarized that such a conversation creates an automatic fight. If that's the case, then put those topics off limits. But there should be areas of discussion that allow you to learn more about your partner as you exchange ideas.

Google, Microsoft move to block child porn

More than 200 employees at Google have spent the past three months working on preventing child sexual abuse content from appearing in the firm's search results.

"While society will never wholly eliminate such depravity, we should do everything in our power to protect children from harm," Google's executive chairman, Eric Schmidt, wrote in an article published by The Daily Mail.

Schmidt detailed how the two tech giants were using new technology to take down many images and videos of child porn from the web.

Using Microsoft (MSFT, Fortune 500) picture detection technology, a unique identification mark is applied to such content, and then all copies are immediately removed from the web.

Google has also cleaned up the search results for over 100,000 web queries that were known to lead to child porn-related results.

"We will soon roll out these changes in more than 150 languages, so the impact will be truly global," said Schmidt.

Another 13,000 search queries that are related to child porn will lead web users to online warnings saying that child sexual abuse is illegal, while offering advice on where to get help.

The move comes a week after the arrest of 348 people around the world who were connected to an international child sex abuse investigation. Of the people arrested, there were 40 teachers, six law enforcement personnel, nine pastors or priests and some doctors and nurses.

Microsoft said the companies were working with experts in the field to track the latest terms that pedophiles may be using online, and then cutting off access to any sort of child pornography.

The initiative was completed in cooperation with various industry and government organizations, including the Internet Watch Foundation and the U.K. government.

Last week, Microsoft also opened a new cybercrime center at its campus in Redmond, Washington.